Voyages of Tealbeard

To Orlando and back

2006-07-14T18:33:00.000-05:00

I be recently returned from a brief journey to central Florida as part of me secret alternate life when I not be a pirate.

Aye mateys, it be a bizARRe place in Orlando. I be forgetting how bad the rivers be, especially InterLake-4, it be clogged with insane sailors. The ships be sailing faster than what be safe and prudent for congested waterways, and the constables be not anywhere in sight.

I be happy to take the backrivers back home at the end of me trip. Along the way I be helping a stranded sailor, or be attempting to at any rate. One of the state constables be coming up shortly though and be helping too. Unfortunately, we be getting the ship back on course, but after he be leaving, and the sailor be trying to leave, her ship be not working right again. Another sailor who be local in the town be able to give her passage to her home. She be a very appreciative sailor, and I be glad that me, a pirate, and a constable, one of many nemeses we be having as pirates, be able to work together to try to be helping another sailor in need.

I don't think he be knowing I be a pirate though, I be not advertising it and had me Jolly Roger tucked away out of sight.

To be seeing or not be seeing, that be the question

2006-07-06T18:48:00.000-05:00

Arr mateys, I be apologizing for being behind in me string o' tales. I be receiving some constructive criticism from someone who not be liking me color scheme much, so I be changing it to old fashioned white on black. I be preferring it the other way around, but it be harder for some of me readers to read, so in the interest of being flexible and polite to those folks, I be changing it.

Me travels be quiet otherwise. Me and two of the little swabbers be going down this past weekend to try to catch the Discovery launch, but it be scrubbed, and we be having a good perch on the rocks next to the Indian River. On the way down, me lady's ship (it be having aiRRR conditioning) almost be getting rammed by a smaller ship that be in a big hurry. On the way back, I be seeing another little ship pulled over by one o' the constables on a deserted river that apparently not be expecting law enfoRRRcement to be patroling the waters there.

We not be making it down for the second launch attempt or the successful one - but perchance we be there in August if Atlantis be launching off. We be seeing as the time be getting closer.

I be tagged

2006-06-23T19:09:00.000-05:00

I be tagged... by me lady of all people. I be not understanding what be the point of being tagged, but I be a good sport anyway.

5 things in me refrigerator:

I be not knowing what a refrigerator be, but in me icebox on me ship Fuego del Sol I be having
1. Cantaloupe (great for preventing scurvy)
2. Water (fresh)
3. Milk
4. Chocolate frosting
5. Homemade jelly

5 things in me closet:

Pirates be not needing closets, but in me chiffarobe on me ship I be having:
1. Me eyepatch
2. Me fake pegleg
3. Me fake hook
4. Me telescope
5. Me music library

5 things in me purse:

Pirates not be in the habit of carrying purses. Clearly this one be geared towards the lasses.

5 things in me car:

I be not having a car. I be having a ship, and in me ship I be having:

1. Me toolbox
2. Me repair manual for me ship
3. Me cannons
4. Me FM transmitter for me PDA/MP3 player
5. Me maps

5 people I be tagging:

I not be in the habit of tagging. But here be five things I be doing in me ship on a regular basis.

1. Firing cannonballs
2. Making people walk the plank
3. Planning me next journey
4. Keelhauling landlubbers
5. Saluting fellow pirates

That be all for the evening, it be a pleasure me hearties.

Landlubbers be fools

2006-06-12T21:19:00.000-05:00

Aye, it be an interesting evening me hearties. I be having two encounters with landlubbers that be worth talking about. I be on me way to one of the warehouses to get some much needed supplies for me lady and little swabbers.

Not four furlongs from me dock, I be turning me ship, the Fuego del Sol hARRd to port and out of nowhere be a Moor taking a swim. He be attempting to swim across me path, nevermind me ship bearing down on him at nearly eight knots. The Moor be dressed in dARRk clothing, it be dark outside, it be raining, and it only be his luck that me high-powered halogen lamps catch him and I be able to steer to me stARRboard side and avoid him while I slow me ship down.

Then he be treading water, still in me way, staring at me like I be a fool. Nevermind that he be foolish enough to jayswim in the dARRK, in dARRk clothing, with (no offense to the other Moors), dAARk skin in the rain, and not look before he be trying to swim across a path. He be telling me to "Slow down", nevermind that he clearly be having eyes to be seeing me ship, or at least me super bright lamps and know he should be waiting till me ship pass.

Then in the warehouse, a stockboy be having a deathwish on me as he be dragging his pallet of goods as fast as he could, practically breathing down me neck.

It be a shame, I be saying. Now we be watching the storm to see if it be doing anything more than raining in our area.

So Many Questions, So Little Time

2006-06-06T21:53:00.000-05:00

Good evening me hearties, it be ye old friend Captain Tealbeard. I be responding to another letter, this one, from everyone's favorite reader, Lyndsay/Goddess. Int it she be writing:


Hello again MISTER tealbeard

it's your lovely friend, Goddess. 
How you be this fine evening? 
How about your lady? 
And the little deckhands? 
Is Draco feeling alright? 
Not eating anything he isnt supposed to is he? 
What does he eat btw? 
Does he cook it with his fire breath before he eats? 
Or is it sushi? 
What do you eat when you are out on the water? 
does the lady cook for you and you take it with you? 
or can you fend for yourself? 
Well that was stupid question, you are man, 
of course you cant. 
Did you have to wear an eye patch 
when you had the metal in ye eye?

-- 
Lyndsay

Many questions, which I be attempting to answer all in one post, so be sitting back relaxing, this will be taking awhile.

Everybody be fine, Draco be fine. Draco be laughing at ye question - fire-breathing dolphins can generally be eating anything they be wanting to. He be eating what most other dolphins be eating, and whether it be cooked or raw be entirely upon his mood.

I eat what be the equivalent of a brown-bag lunch in a modern-day insulated pack. I be making me own nourishment - it be simple - fruits, veggies, sandwich, and a drink. I be more capable of fending for meself than the average pirate. I be appreciating the lame attempt at humor that ye be basing upon gender stereotypes.

I did not know I had metal in me eye until me optometrist appointment, so no, I did not be wearing me eye patch then.

That be quicker than I be thinking it be. Thank ye for the questions.

There be rough waters at the ATM parking lot

2006-06-02T17:50:00.000-05:00

Me lady wanted to enjoy some authentic Cajun fried chicken for dinner tonight, so I be stopping by Popeye's on the way home. Before that I had to be stopping in at the ATM to be getting some colored paper to be exchanging for me chicken.

So the ATM part be not bad, but the part were cars be leaving was a little different. We did be stopped at a traffic light, and this ~~moron~~ character on a bicycle be coming up behind us yelling at the cars. Like we be able to go. Apparently the state of Florida be changing its laws and bicycles now be having right of way in traffic and the cars and vans that be weighing hundreds to thousands of times the bicycle be expected to be yielding and getting out of the way.

To be making it more interesting, there be a wide, open sidewalk to our right leading out of the parking lot that he could be getting himself on, but he be in the mood to yell at us because we be stopped at a red light.

Then at the Popeye's, thankfully the bicyclist be not there, but everybody in front of me be afraid to pull up after giving their order. There be a distance of a furlong between the two cars ahead of me and the car ahead of me not be going. It be boggling me mind and be very annoying. I still be looking for the bicyclist to come yelling at us. At least this time it be for a good reason if he did.

I be seeing Ernest Borgnine in the car in front of me. The only thing I be seeing with Ernest Borgnine on TV or movies was Airwolf. Airwolf was a great show (at least until they be filming it in Canada and they be wiping the entire crew out and be replacing it wit ha bunch of weirdos) and Stringfellow Hawke be making a good potential pirate. Archangel already be having the eye patch, but the all-white look not be very piratey if ye be getting me drift.

A Song, A Song

2006-06-01T18:53:00.000-05:00

Aye and good evening me hearties. I decided it be time to add a little music to me blog and put a little sea shanty in. Ye may be familiar with this tune - it be featured on the BackyARRdigans, me lady's favorite kid's show, as What Do You Do With a Scurvy Pirate?. It also be known by its original title, What Do Ye Do With a Drunken Sailor? This MIDI arrangement be done by Barry Taylor and be available all over the InterSea.

Draco's Divinations

2006-05-31T20:06:00.000-05:00

Note from Tealbeard: I be warning ye, mateys, Draco be not speaking as clearly as ye average everyday pirate. But he still be me favorite first mate.

Good evening friends, it is I, Draco, the last living fire-breathing dolphin on the planet. I would like to address a couple of points in Goddess/Lyndsay's last letter to Captain Tealbeard.

I quote the points of interest below:


I would shoot Draco and hang him on my wall. 
He would make a nice addition to my walls.

Lyndsay better be a really good shot with a really big gun. On a day when I've already consumed a dozen fifths of fine Caribbean rum (which is a little below average for me), my flame has a range of two furlongs, which in landlubber measurements is around a quarter-mile. I'm not easy to shoot, just ask Captain Ahab who made the mistake of assuming I was a whale.

She better have big walls to hang me on - I'm a little larger than the average dolphin. To give you a good comparison, picture your average everyday great white shark at about 20 feet in length, then picture half of another one (probably after I burnt the missing half into oblivion), and you are about there.

I'm also considered an endangered species in almost every coastal state and nation in the world. That goes without saying since there is only one of me. Even PETA or the ASPCA would have a figurative cow if harm were to come to me at the hands of a human.

My advice is that she stick to playing with her dolls and imaginary friends at tea parties. She will live a much longer, happier life that way, rather than chasing down deadly cetaceans.

Captain Tealbeard's wife is not crazy about the expression of violence in my direction either. Hell hath no fury like the wife of a pirate.

I now return you to the care of the lighthearted and jovial Captain Tealbeard.

Blubbering Landlubbers

2006-05-31T19:54:00.000-05:00

Ahoy mateys, and good evening to ye all. Today be a pleasant day, aside from a tiny little matter. I be receiving another letter from every scalliwag's favorite landlubber in Las Vegas. Here it be...


MISTER Tealbeard
You are just jealous that a siren would want me! 
You are far too skinny (kinda like Twiggy skinny)
for a siren to want YOU. I would NOT be suprised
if you tried to pay for groceries with a gold
dubloon. In fact, I wouldnt put it past you. 
I would shoot Draco and hang him on my wall.
He would make a nice addition to my walls.
 
Sincerely
Goddess

I be quite happy I be too skinny for a siren to want me. I did not be stalking me lady for over three years to be worried about a siren. It be me understanding that the sailors and pirates lured by the call of the siren faced a rather untimely demise. I be enjoying me life and rather be facing a timely demise many, many years in the future.

As funny as it would be to actually try paying for merchandise with me gold doubloons, they be worth fARR more than that, or at least that be what the friendly people on QVC and the Home Shopping Netwokr claim.

I also be not taking kindly to ye remarks about Draco, but I be letting Draco speak for himself. He not be taking kindly to ye remarks either.

I be apologizing me hearties, me course be changed from my original intent of sharing entertaining stories of me voyages. Instead I be stuck in a silly squabble with someone with no respect for pirates or fire-breathing dolphins.

Please be keeping the questions coming - ye can email me or leave a comment and I be ready to share me stories and answer ye questions.

Artwork Credits

2006-05-30T21:37:00.000-05:00

I be forgetting me manners - the font ye see featured in the artwork on me blog be the Rapscallion font by Ryan Splint of Chankstore Freefonts. Some o' the other graphics ye be seeing I be borrowing from random Google Images searches.

The Voice O' Sin City

2006-05-30T21:05:00.000-05:00

Today I be receiving a letter from Lyndsay, a landlubber in Las Vegas, which be spanish for "city from hell":

In it she writes:


Dear Captain Tealbeard,

     FU.

Sincerely,
Lyndsay

Just kidding, this be her real letter:


Mr. Tealbeard
How are you this fine evening? I have some questions for you.
 
1. I heard you are a queer kind of folk. This be true?
2. Did you know that a whale's penis is called a dork? 
   Mr. Tealbeard, you are a bug o' dork.
3. Have you ever had sex with a siren?
4. Have you ever seen a siren?
5. Can I make you walk the plank?
 
Sincerely
 
Goddess

As you can be telling, she be having issues. I be addressing her questions.

First of all, me name be CAPTAIN Tealbeard, not Mr. I be appreciating a little courtesy in light of ye first letter.

1. We be queer folk as in unusual, but I be finding in me voyages that we all be queer folk, just some be more queer than usual. Such as "Goddess."

2. I did not be knowing about that, me name is not Captain Ahab. Again, it be CAPTAIN Tealbeard, not Mr. Tealbeard.

3. No. Now on the other hand I would not be surprised if ye have.

4. No. They are only seen in desert areas as a mirage, such as the middle of Nevada, or in the middle of a drug-induced stupor.

5. Only if ye be sailing yer own ship. Ye cannot make me walk the plank in me own ship. Draco would not let ye board me ship anyway.

Thanks for the interesting questions. As I said before, she be having some issues, but it be entertaining nonetheless. She be a wee bit gullible since she actually be asking me lady if I really tried to pay for me groceries with a gold doubloon. Anybody with any common sense be smart enough to know this whole blog be very simple accounts with lots of fiction and made-up stuff, aye?

Contemporary Pirates Episode I

2006-05-29T16:42:00.000-05:00

Ahoy mateys and good evening to all of ye. I be receiving more mail, this one be from Augustus Schlumberger who be living in Bremerhaven, Germany. He be writing:


Dear Captain Tealbeard,

     Are there other pirates?
     If so, do you ever fight or duel or anything?

Sincerely,
Augustus

Those be very good questions, Augustus. The answer be yes, there be other pirates. In fact, one o' them be one o' me brothers-in-law. Ye may not have heard o' him, but he be known as Captain Pubs the Squirrel. Read on below for exclusive photos. Captain Pubs be rather unique and unusual, not completely unlike meself. I think that he be just a wee bit more unusual and unique though, ye can be the judge. He be not overly squirrel-like in nature - he be several inches taller than meself, and I be nearly six feet taller than a squirrel. And please do not be asking me about the mask, it not be something that be standard practice amongst privateers. I be not sure about the "DOVES ARR YUM" bit, so please don't be asking.

In regards to ye other question, there be not much time for drawing blood anymore. The most violent be a rousing game o' chess.

Be keeping the mail coming. Me be looking forward to it.

Meet the Crew: Me Lady

2006-05-29T09:56:00.000-05:00

Ahoy mateys, and a most happy Memorial Day to each of ye. Let me be taking this opportunity to say the efforts o' the hearties who fought to preserve the freedoms o' this great country be not forgotten. It makes me hARRt proud to know I be living under the flag o' the greatest nation in the world.

I be continuing with the introductions to me crew. Me lady is in me spotlight today, though I bet she will not be appreciating it very much. She has a blog o' her own that probably be giving ye a good picture o' her soft side and the adventures with the little swabbers.

She be tough mateys, and she can steer a ship like the best o' them. Case being in point, back in the days I be pursuing her (that be a mild form o' stalking for you landlubbers), I have me a story to tell.

Back in the day we be coming home from a music recital o' some sort or another. She be nervous about sailing through a certain stretch o' the city at night so me and me lookout at the time be in my ship, the Blue Dwarf, and she be following in a small frigate. Well, it be the first time I be leading a ship instead o' trying to elude it being a pirate and all, so I be trying to get the hang of it.

We be crossing under one bridge with lots o' traffic. Me ship being much smaller I swiftly move around a much slower moving ship. Me lookout be watching behind to keep an eye on me (future) lady. His mind be blowing out and he be saying "Did ye see that? Did ye see that? Wow!" Me lookout be very excitable most days.

The way he be describing it, me (future) lady be leaning hARRd to port and leaning hARRd back to stARRboard in a span o' the blink of an eye around the same frigate, but with no space to be passing.

Imagine the view of a small ship about the size of a Dodge Caravan navigating through a channel the width o' me crow's nest twice at a speed of about 52 knots and ye be understanding how impressive a maneuver that be.

A Beard of a Different Color

2006-05-28T20:25:00.000-05:00

Ahoy mateys, a right fair evening it be tonight, aye? Here in me pARRt of the Atlantic we had a wee bit of a rain shower. I be joking that it be a pop-up tropical depression, but me lady didn't think it was funny. That be okay, not many appreciate me sense o' humor much.

Today I be answering a letter I be receiving from another little swabber named Felipe de Milagro del Arcoiris from Havana. Captain Tealbeard be loving the mail and be finding it encouraging that young people be interested in anachronisms like meself.

Here be his letter.


Dear Captain Tealbeard,

     Is your beard really teal?  
     Do you know how to swim?  
     I think your stories are really interesting.
     My daddy thinks you're full of crock,
     but he won't tell me what crock is.

Sincerely,
Felipe

Those be very good questions Felipe, as unrelated as they be. I be answering them in reverse order.

Common sense do be dictating that someone who captains a vessel of the sea be able to swim, but that be not the case always. Old Captain Tealbeard be not able to swim - it be the curse I be under my whole life. I be most at home on the rhythm of the sea, but if I be shoved overboard, I be drowning like a rat.

The other question be good - but no Felipe, me beard be not teal, it be dARRk brown like the rest of me hair. But me lady not be fond o' the beard, so it seldom be more than stubble.

Now your daddy's remark be rather rude, and be sure ye be telling him if I ever come across him on my voyages he be run through like a shish kabob at a Turkish family reunion. Be sure ye be telling him I be saying "I be rubber, ye be pitch, whatever ye be saying be bouncing off meself and be sticking on ye."

Meet the Crew: First Mate Draco

2006-05-27T17:29:00.000-05:00

I be receiving a letter from a little swabber named Ziggy in Jamaica today and in it be two questions.

Dear Captain Tealbeard,

           Are you a real pirate?
           My daddy says pirates don't exist anymore.
           He says real pirates have a crew.
           Do you have a crew?

Sincerely,
Ziggy M.

Well little Ziggy, it be me pleasure to tell ye the old man be off keel by several leagues. I be a real pirate, although ye must be understanding it isn't easy in modern society. For some reason people be looking at me like I be crazy when I wear me tricorn, at least unless I be walking around in the township of Five Points in Jacksonville, then I be blending right in with all the other strange people. Most days I be hiding the old tricorn and the fake eye patch so I look like any other landlubber, but ye should be sure my hARRRt longs for the sea.

But your daddy does be right on account of real pirates having a crew. Let it be me pleasure to introduce ye to me first mate, Draco, the fire-breathing dolphin. Have ye ever be seeing a fire-breathing dolphin before? I be surprised too when I first met Draco - I be sailing a ship ironically named Hellfire at the time. Draco is the only living representative o' the species tursiops exuro. He's an offshoot from the bottlenose dolphin family.

Before ye scientific landlubber types start trying to be correcting me and proving fire-breathing dolphins don't be existing, ye should be having a look at the picture below - click on it to enlarge it and appreciate the full detail. Don't be fooled by his innocent eyes and texture of the furry persuasion, he can blow a blast o' fire from his blowhole faster than ye be counting to ten. Draco claims to have burned one of Davey Jones' ships to the, well, sea level, but I don't be believing he be that old. O' course, a fire-breathing dolphin is a rarity, and I bet that do be contributing to his longevity. Draco be partial to a good swig o' rum with frequent regularity too - he be saying it contributes to the potency of his flame.

Feel free to be sending me more questions, I be more than happy to be answering them.

A trip to the marketplace

2006-05-27T12:06:00.000-05:00

Ahoy mateys, the fearless Captain Tealbeard here. Me lady and I (and the little swabbers) were in need o' some nourishment, so I boarded me ship, the sleek and mobile Fuego del Sol and jaunted on down to a local marketplace. It was a pleasant trip, fair seas and following winds, and as usual, the docks were not overcrowded like some marketplaces that be resembling large warehouses.

The young lad who checked me bags to make sure I not be stealing anything (I be a pirate, after all!) told me "Your total is twelve ninety-nine." I handed him one of me gold doubloons and says "I don't know what ye ARRR talkin' about, but this should more than be covering the value o' the goods in me bags."

The young lad laughed and said "I'm afraid you'll have to use real money or the POS terminal in front of you."

Imagine that - what does this world be comin' to when a doubloon o' the finest gold, that wars have been fought over, isn't real money. I inquired of him as to what "POS" meant and he was being kind enough to inform me "Point of Sale." I was then kind enough to be informing him that in me early days in me sailing career that "POS" had a different connotation.

So I resigned meself to using the little card o' strangely flexible material - being completely bewildered that it be worth more than me gold. What a bizARRRRe world this be coming to.

Life in the Slow Lane

2006-05-26T21:37:00.000-05:00

Ahoy mateys, sit down, be comfortable, and enjoy a tankard of me finest grog - no wait, don't be touching the finest, I be saving that for those special occasions. Today's adventure is something we've all seen before, and most of us have sailed the same path ourselves.

The speed of the currents were moving me ship, the Fuego del Sol along at 52 knots, when out from nowhere, be a frigate, burgundy in color, flying up to my keel like Davey Jones himself be opening his own locker. I could not be telling for sure, but I'd swear on me finest rum it was the great Captain Burgundy, often referred to by a product of the nostrils.

Arr, there be no fun when a frigate rides dangerously close to the keel o' your own ship, and eventually he lowered the sails a little from the 65 knots he was previously moving at. He finally saw an opportunity, his ship lurched back and forth and before I could be counting to ten, he was sailing past me. I assure ye, I be checking my rear view mirror for Davey Jones or even Captain Jack Sparrow, but there be no sign of either.

As he pulled in a starboard direction in front of me and we rounded a curve, I could only laugh heartily and let out a good solid "ARR!" as there be a line o' frigates for leagues in both directions, none too interested in outrunning each other. Captain ~~Booger~~ Burgundy be stuck behind them with no choice but to be moving slow. HARR HARR HARR HARR!

Me hearties, it happens all the time - and the best thing old Captain Tealbeard can tell ye is that it not be worth the rush. The thrill of sailing the ship be in the journey, not the destination.

Welcome mateys!

2006-05-26T21:29:00.000-05:00

Greetings everyone, Captain Tealbeard here. What is the point, ye ask? I'm here to share with ye tales of adventure as I travel the concrete sea on me fine ship, the Fuego del Sol. There be plenty o' stories to tell. In addition, I'll be sharing links to other interesting articles and sites out there on the InterSea.

So have a seat, and if ye don't be liking it, you can always belay your stay on me ship and be walking the plank.